Marriage is a beautiful experience at the
level of thought. The thought of a man and a woman in love sharing the rest of
their lives together is indeed a pleasurable experience. Living together,
talking together, laughing together, sharing together, sleeping together, being
excited and thrilled about each other is an experience everyone should love to
have and enjoy. Marriage can really be appealing at the point of just thinking
about it.
However, the responsibility, hurt,
disappointment, sacrifice, tolerance and pressure that comes with marriage can
sometimes be so overwhelming that some people have had to quit their marriage.
Marriage as exciting and thrilling as it appears can be very demanding and at
times outright frustrating. It takes maturity, endurance, humility, patience
and grace to succeed in marriage.
Hey listen, as beautiful and exciting as it is
to fall in love and get married, why does it suddenly become a tough
experience? What actually is the reason why that man that would travel several
kilometres every weekend to come check you up in school or during service year
for example, suddenly finds it difficult taking you to the market on a weekend
after you're married; he'll rather watch his football game?
What happened to that lady, whom whilst you
were dating would always ask if you've eaten and no matter how difficult her
day had been and how late it was, would still come to your hostel with food in
a warmer or come cook in your room and your roommates envied you – today to
cook your meal has become a struggle; it has become stressful for her?
A couple, who whilst dating could not afford
to be apart for one day; if any of them had to travel for a few days, it was
like punishment; they would mourn the temporary separation. Today after
marriage, the man works in a different city and the woman lives in a different
city and both of them amazingly, are secretly glad they're living apart? What
happened?
Dear friend, life can be very tricky. The
truth is when you're in love with someone, your views, perception and
interpretation of the person's attitude and behaviour is different. You always
see the positive not the negative. For instance, if you're dating a person that
is laid back or lazy, you'll tell yourself they're calm and relaxed and don't
like stress, since they wouldn't stress themselves so they would not stress
you, you conclude, they wouldn't be jumping around causing trouble, you'd chose
to believe.
On the other hand, if they're restless; always
up and about, involved in several unnecessary activities, you'll tell yourself
you like them ‘cause they're very active and hardworking, they wouldn't depend
on you for everything, they would also earn good income and be supportive; they
would be financially independent as they like to work, you'd chose to
believe.
The interpretation you give to the attitude of
your partner before marriage is usually different from when the reality of
their character hits you after marriage.
Dear friend, you see, marriage is very
important as it plays a critical role in anyone failing in purpose or
fulfilling purpose. The person you're married to has the capacity to destroy
your destiny or enhance your destiny if you let them.
I'm sharing on this topic this morning because
I came across a strange couple lately. The man and his wife though claim to
love each other were competing intensely in business and finance.
Initially, they were both in paid employment
working as bankers, after a while, the woman left her bank job and began to
trade; she began to import and distribute toilet and bathroom wares and
accessories and after a while, she became richer than her husband. Her husband
realising this decided to quit his employment and venture into business as
well; marketing industrial petroleum products, after a while he became richer
than the wife, the wife realising this too went into the business of petroleum
products as well, she wanted to be richer. After she ventured, her husband then
decided to venture into her kind of import business as well; importing building
materials from Asia.
Any car the husband buys, the wife would buy a
better one, the woman built her house first, the husband that same year built a
bigger and better one, they both worked very hard to be richer than each other
and to outspend each other, meanwhile the children were growing up without
them; a man and his wife in intense financial competition. Sounds very strange
but its real.
You may judge this couple as sick or abnormal
but dear friend I'm afraid, many of us are not very normal in our relationships
and marriages.
Let me explain this, you see everyone has two
opportunities of family life, the first is when and where you're a child in the
family, the second is when and where you're a parent in the family. The reality
is many of us carry with us our experiences from our first family into the
second family, consciously or unconsciously.
For the first two to three decades of our
lives we are exposed to a particular kind of family life with all the good, all
the bad, all the sad and all the ugly and these exposure tends to shape and
influence how we would run and manage our next family; our own families where
we would be parents.
Many married people today are reacting to or
repeating the ways and patterns of their parents or those who raised them. Many
times the very things we hate and criticise in our parents are the very things
we do too when we become parents eventually. Alternatively, our reaction may be
an extreme opposite of the things our parents did that we didn't like, we do at
times bounce to the extreme.
For example many of us raised by very strict
parents who thrashed us with sticks and cables and belts when we did wrong as
kids, will today never beat our children no matter what they do. On the other
hand, some beat their children even harder believing the beating was why they
turned out well so their kids must be beaten as well.
Truth is many of us lack our own independent
opinion on better ways to manage our families today. We forget children are
different and times are different, that childhood experience that made you turn
out well may absolutely destroy your own child if applied today.
For example, many parents today insist their
children will never go to a boarding school because of their own bad
experiences and some parents would insist their children must go to boarding
school so as to learn and be wise as they are despite the danger and moral
challenges in some boarding schools today.
Dear friends, in our marriages, many of us are
repeating patterns either negatively or positively.
The problem of the couple in competition
earlier mentioned is traceable to the fact that, as a child the man's mother
was in business and richer than his father and she oppressed his father, dated
many of her business partners and his father died of heartbreak, emotional
distress and stroke at an early age, the man held on to the sad experience and
is now reacting..
His wife on the other hand had a father richer
than her mother. The mother was a full time housewife and her father oppressed
her mother to pieces; dating several women, and her mother told her never to
depend on any man for anything, she should earn her own income, she also held
on to the advice diligently.
The experience of these couple as children in
their first families is the reason for their strange competition in their own
marriage.
Dear friend, marriage is about collaboration
and support, it's about connecting with your destiny helper.
Bringing the experience, the hurt and
frustration of your family background into your own marriage can totally hurt
your marriage and make you unfair to your partner who is not to blame for your
childhood experience. It would be unfair judging your spouse based on the
behaviour of your parents or those who raised you.
Progress in life and a good marriage is in
breaking away totally from the experience of your first family experience and
designing your marital strategy. You must show respect and love for each other,
be considerate, be fair and not hold a general negative opinion that all men
are a particular way or all women are a particular way, what if your own spouse
is not that way and is an exception? You'll miss the advantage.
“All men cheat” is a lie, “all women are
materialistic” is also a lie. Know your own partner, develop a family strategy;
guidelines, goals and norms. It will help your marriage.
In my opinion it is difficult for anyone to
counsel and teach you how to run your marriage because no two persons in this
world are the same hence, no two marriages can be the same. What a marriage
councillor did that impressed his or her partner may annoy or irritate your own
partner if you try it.
Where there are no rules everyone is loose.
Sit with your partner and agree on rules for business and career, family
finance, raising the kids, managing in-laws, supporting each other on habits,
spiritual growth; purpose in life and retirement dreams.
Write them out, it will help your life. Your
partner should be a helper, not a distraction from purpose or even a burden.
You deserve a good marital experience, happy married life.
CEO; Frontiers Consulting Services
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