The many emotional and psychological injuries
we cause ourselves and our loved ones could easily be averted if we genuinely
love and express sincere love to one another.
Too many people today are going through so
much pain emotionally and psychologically because of someone they really care
about, a situation they worry about or an incidence affecting them negatively. Many are trapped in a world of back to back
pain, frustration, regret and heart break, not because they are bad people, no,
in fact these are very kind and nice people, their only problem is; they do not
know how to truly love others.
You see, many of us are raised wrongly
psychologically. It is typical of many African parents to raise children with a
sense of indebtedness first to the parents, then to life. They condition the
thinking of a child to believe the parents did them a great favour birthing
them and that these parents are perfect people; flawless, and incapable of
being wrong or being selfish no matter what. Many parents in the attempt to manipulate
their children and get the children to do what they want resolve to blackmail
and threat; hence distorting the child's understanding of true love and how to
express it.
Many of us were raised to believe love is
self-subjugation, senseless sacrifice and giving precious and valuable
substances to the underserving, especially if they are related to us by blood. Many of us were raised to believe love is
letting people; especially those older get away with anything; cheating,
irresponsibility and abuse. They use the concepts of superstitions,
tradition, peculiar family rules to perpetuate injustice and exploitation in
the family and the children eventually carry it into the society.
Many of us have lived with the belief it is
wrong to correct an elderly person. Such belief has been so ingrained in our
subconscious we feel really bad and guilty if at times out of frustration and
being pushed to the wall, we had to speak up against injustice and obvious
abuse perpetuated by someone older. Because of the setting of our minds we
interpret our act of speaking out against a wrong perpetuated by someone older
as being rude and disrespectful.
I've heard it from many people and seen it
happen several times where parents out rightly overturn justice and favour the
wrong person in a family for reasons best known to them, afterwards they call
aside the person cheated and begin to beg the person not to be offended; they
acknowledge the fact they did it all wrong but will claim they handled it that
way for reasons best known to them and they plead that the person that has been
treated unfairly should demonstrate maturity and accept the unfair conditions
that way for their own sakes and for God's sake. I've witnessed many married
women go through this when unfairly treated by their husbands and many younger
siblings go through this when oppressed by their older sibling.
Hmmm. Many parents or elders blame the
innocent, justify the guilty; and then beg the innocent to display maturity and
accept injustice for reasons best known to them. Hmm.
Sadly this kind of situations have produced
within a family and amongst siblings and friends, at best grave yard peace.
Everybody pretends they are happy, well and okay, but deep on their inside,
there's animosity, dislike and bitterness. Deep seated like larva of discord on
their inside waiting to explode like volcano at the slightest provocation.
As innocuous as this rife behaviour and
pattern in our society portends, it is a major societal problem for us in this
part of the world.
What is wrong is wrong, what is unfair is
unfair using the factors of age, gender, social status and favouritism to
perpetuate injustice against the innocent and sustaining such negative tradition
through the years in our world has damaged much beyond what we can ever
imagine.
This unfortunate cultural pattern has sadly
been carried from the family into the larger society including offices,
institutions, social gatherings and business world. We accept glaring
injustice, cheating, misuse of power and abuse of privileges from people we
consider older, richer, and superior in status including our bosses at work.
We see a wrong doing; so clear, so in our
faces but we dare not speak because of the calibre of the personality involved.
We grumble behind their backs, gossip and speak one to another in hush tones, but we
dare not openly express our opinion or question the behaviour to their faces;
even if they're wrong and we are right we would still be punished; as we are
not likely going to enjoy any form of support from others contemporaries as
they would also tell us we were audacious and rude to point out a wrong to
someone dubbed superior. Hmm
Sadly many people keep perpetuating wrong and
evil and destructive behaviours unchecked simply because they are dubbed older,
or are the only male child, the only female child, an only child, more
brilliant than other siblings, better skilled, richer than other children, more
educated, better exposed, now a super star or just favourites; these advantages
have become the licence to do wrong and get away with it unchecked by anyone in
the society. Hmmm
Dear friends, allowing anyone get away with a
bad behaviour is not a demonstration of love, as a matter of fact, it is
wickedness. You see, because of our upbringing and mind
conditioning, to correct or confront people we consider special for one reason
or the other is a hard thing to do.
We just can't tell the truth to people we
admire or respect or love. We'd rather be silent and watch them repent by
themselves, get into trouble or destroy themselves. Sadly many great people and
loved ones keep missing it, losing it, becoming wasted and die because we
refuse to speak the truth in time, consequently we all get hurt; all full of
pain and regret.
Love in a context has been defined as a strong
affection for another, arising out of kinship or personal ties.
Many times on the account of this strong
affection and passion we feel for others, we do not want to upset them or
trouble the relationship because it would affect us. If someone you feel deeply
about is mad at you or not talking to you, you don't feel good.
In fact many times when we're compelled to
speak out against a wrong perpetuated by someone we love, respect or perceive
as special, we're filled with anxiety and tension, if unfortunately, the person
takes personal our correction or counsel, we feel very guilty and sorry for
speaking out the truth.
Our conscience in this regard has been
distorted and warped, we feel bad for doing the right thing.
Dear friend, real love for anyone is doing all
it takes to protect such a one from errors, accidents, evil and destruction. It
is a matter of protecting such persons from themselves; from their weaknesses
and bad habits.
Real love and respect is staying strong and
standing by someone in truth and openness no matter how it makes them feel.
It is better to tell a loved one the truth and
they feel bad than lie to them and make them think it's cool. Love is beyond
what you feel, respect is beyond how you feel, its more about supporting that
loved one on to success.
Too many people are in serious trouble today
because they were not warned or corrected by their so called loved ones because
these loved ones didn't want to offend them.
The loved ones were more interested in
protecting and preserving a quarrel free relationship than protecting the
person they were in the relationship with. Consequently, the person got into
trouble and the relationship automatically got into trouble.
Dear friend, when you love or respect anyone,
love them enough to protect them from themselves. It's called been fair to
them. When you're more interested in how someone you love makes you feel than
the wellbeing of the person, your love is selfish.
In your dealings with others, get over being
sentimental, be fair in your dealings. Tell them the truth in love and kindly.
Correct them based on good values and healthy principles; don't judge, condemn,
cast aspersions or hurl insults. Be nice but firm about it. Discipline and
character is what sustains any good friendship and relationship.
We will be doing well for one another and our
society collectively when we decide to show true love by telling the truth to
one another in love.
Politicians, religious
leaders, traditional leaders, business leaders, public figures, home leaders,
our parents, our children, our friends, our colleagues and loved ones all
deserve our love in truth. Telling them they're right when they're absolutely
in the wrong is cruelty to them. Telling them the truth is being fair and truly
loving. Truth and openness will protect us from very painful emotional and
psychological injuries. Sometimes being silence could be an act of wickedness.
Dear friend be selfless, be truthful, be open, love sincerely.
Written By: Muyiwa Afolabi
CEO, Frontiers Consulting services
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